Things That Bind Us Together/On My Own Again

On My Own Again: After a hurtful break up I moved back into the house I grew up in to find myself again. I felt lost and I felt that I had drifted away to the people that really matter in my life. Wile I was home I patched up things with my Dad and my Brother and moved into a place where I was "On my Own Again."

The Things That Bind Us Together: After painting "On My Own Again" I painted this piece. I realized that some times there is a great force that just brings us together and binds people to one another. The lines are much like muscle tissue. Everything is just held in place where they need to be.

Mazo

Some times our feelings for one another get crossed and woven into one another making a separation difficult. Because a part of you in twine into them and them to you. To get back you and only you can be a maze of guts and emotions and the separation is never a clean break. In the end you can get your self free of this maze but you have to leave a part of you with them and you will take away a part of them with you when you are free.

quotes!

"Intelligence with out ambition is a bird with out wings." -Salvador Dali

"As a well-spend day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings a happy death." Leonardo de Vinci

"I never paint my dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality." Frida Kahlo

"We must never forget that art is not a form of propaganda but a form of truth." JFK

"With out the treat of death there would be no reason to live" Marylin Manson

"Dieing is easy it's living that scares me to death." Annie Leniox

"You must answer to no one but your own ambition!" From the show Angel

"I'm selfish, impenitent a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

Watch My Colors Run/Raw

Watch My Colors Run: I did not mean to make gay pride colors! I swear! It just turned out that way! lol

Raw: This is a raw look of myself. I see a fat man in the mirror but inside there is a thin man. I have struggled with my weight issues for a long time. At one point I was over 500 lbs! I have reached down to 32o lbs at one point but I haven't hit the 200's yet. But I have not got beyond 380lbs since I started losing weight. It's a war I intend to win!

What I've Broken/British Surgar Daddy

What I've Broken: Matt is an amazing guy I once was with. He really loved me and I loved him too but I've never been loved by someone who loved me in a good healthy way. I broke what could have been a chance at something amazing.

British Sugar Daddy: After Matt I dated a British sugar daddy named Alan. He was a good rebound in all ways a rebound relationship can serve. His heart was grey but his wallet was filthy rich!

Radiance

Radiance: This painting means a lot to me. All my pieces means something to my heart but I have to say it's the favorite child among them all. Painting this painting was very emotional but not due to pain but pure lustful pleasure. This painting is about the Aura of a man I meet wile I was vacationing in Hollywood. I meet him on my last night in town and he was the best part about the trip because he beyond most men I meet. He has a drive, passion and talent for music. And I love music! If it wasn't for the fact that all I can play is a mean cow bell I might be in a band. Need less to say this guy is like a super nova. And he will always have a little spot in my sole and he was worthy to be the subject of a painting. I think I haven't hit my peak as an artist but if I died today I'd be fine with leaving this piece for the world to remember me by.

As you can see I love this painting so much I took a picture with it. To me I like to think my art is touchable. I know you should not touch a painting, even though I do! But I like to make pieces that feel like you are falling down the rabbit hole to an un-discover part of our universe and you can't help but want to touch it and be a part of it. I like to think my art is seductive at times. After all we can't be good all the time. ;)

Art is moving!

Check out my interview with art is moving! artismoving/blogger.com

Flesh and Bone & And You Doubted Me

In the past two weeks I have sold two paintings! Exciting right?! So here is what sold and the meaning behind the work.

First one is "Flesh and Bone" 2008

This painting is about is a connection i had with a guy wile having intercourse with him. It is hard to fine a lover who knows what he's doing and do it to perfection but it is once in a blue that you have lover you can have amazing sex with a connection of perfection that you bare your flesh and bones of your sole for this person and most of all be safe in there arms.

The next piece "And You Doubted Me" 2009

Is about the people who doubted my move to Portland. People can mean well but have doubts in you. Some times they are right and other times they are wrong. But it is nice when you get to turn around and prove them wrong.

The meaning behind "Open Arms"

Umm what's up with all these folks having a blogs dedicated to the kids they have? I find my self outrage and jealous! OK not so much outrage but jealous of all the little rug rats in these blogs.

I was close to my Mom till I was five and then she went to work and that was the end of our relationship. Monday to Friday my Mom busted her ass being more of a Mommy figured to kids at the day care she slaved at for minimum wage wile I went to school and came home to an empty house. When she got home she cook dinner for us and watch TV till she went to bed. I'd play by myself till she forced me to go to bed. On the weekends she got up at 8am and made a home made breakfast for our family. And at 10am she started to drink her Mexican brandy and coke and cleaned the house from top to bottom, after that she made an amazing home made Mexican dinner that was spoiled by her drunken bitterness with us kids, my Dad and her life. By 1AM she passed out cold and I would carry her to room and clean up the next meal she was cooking for us and take her boozes and pour them down the sink. Sundays was the day you fended for your self because Mother was too hung over to cook for us. We usually took care of her while she was hung over. Come Monday we started the same routine all over again.

The years passed and my mother's drinking got worst and my father started drinking again and the fights they had seem to never end. Year after year the bond my Mother and I had started to cave in on it's self. By the time I was 14 our arguments would end insults and by the time I was 16 I told her once "I wish you would die." in a heated argument and I told her a few times that I had hated her and she called me "ass hole" on a daily bases. When I was 17 things got better for a short time. Both my parents stop drinking things seem good but nothing good can last for long. Just two weeks before my 18th Birthday my Mother was diagnosed with liver Cancer. On June 8th 2000, just four months after we found out she had cancer, my Mother died.

There was so much I wanted to say to my Mother but i never got the chance. I lost what little was left of my child hood that day.

There are times when I'm mad at her for all the hell she put me threw. There are days when I feel like shit for saying the hurtful things i said. There are times when I'm OK with it all and times I'm not.

The kids on these blogs have parents that love them and I'm assuming love them right. My Mother loved me but it was some messed up love. My sister has kids now and she is pretty fucked up for a mother. My grand parents were abusive to their kids. See the cycle?

I don't know if I want kids but if I do have kids i want to love them the right way that all kids should be loved. And everyday greet my kids with "Open Arms."

7 months!

In two days its going to be 7 months that I landed in Portland. What an amazing, crazy, emotional and pain in the ass 7 months it's been!

First of all let me say the weather so far has be lovely. I am from desert of Phoenix. Its fucking dry there people. I don't like having my skin burned off my bones 6 to 7 months a year. But I'm not sure how i will do with no sun for the next 7 months. Guess I'm going to find out!

So let me tell you some things I've learned here.

1. Budweiser is not a real beer. In fact it's just water down urine (not that I've ever thought that but this is to inform readers back in Phoenix)

2. wear layers! One moment it's sunny and beautiful and the next it's raining and fucking freezing and five minutes later it warms up 10 degrees till sunset.

3. Portland does not have a real ghetto that I have seen yet. Just white kids trying to act like Tu Pac in the hoods of NYC.

4. PDX is not PHX or where ever the fuck you are from. Portland is Portland and that's that. Once you accept that you'll be fine.

5. There is no spicy food here! Has anyone heard of seasoning here?? (If there is please tell me where!)

6. Portland is weird because of all the passive aggressive people who fear the aggressive people like me. *evil grin*

7. The real guppies are the white suburban kids who grow dreads, smoke pot, say they swear they live by the Communist Manifesto wile they live off their parents trust funds and call me a guppy because I eat meat on my fine china wile drinking Maker's Mark Whiskey in Jack in The Box cup I got this afternoon with my tacos. :)

8. Food Front is a rip off on food!

9. You will get lost in the streets because it is a maze and people will tell you "but it's a grid." Yeah a fucked up grid!

10. Just be your self and if people don't like you they'll just sit in the corner all passive aggressively when you have fun with you new wild and aggressive friends you just made.